Marc's Diary
by ArollaPine
Summary: Seven days so important for Marc Anciel. Seven days described in his diary. The story was created during the Marc Appreciation Week event organised in January 2019 by wearemiraculous on Tumblr.
1. Day 1

No one knows. They don't have _any_ idea how hard it is for me. I think that even Marinette doesn't understand this. If she did, she wouldn't suggest me this stupid plan. I shouldn't have agreed on that! Why did I give her my story?

She'll never know how long I've been writing the story about Ladybug and Cat Noir. What if she thinks it takes as long as reading this? What if she thinks it's a piece of sh…t? Yes, I'm sure it's a crap. No one will find it interesting. I shouldn't show it to Marinette. I should take it back. Yes, definitely. Before she shows it to Nathaniel.

Oh, that would be a disaster when he finds out that I write such garbage! I'm useless… I shouldn't show it to anyone. It's better to hide it in my drawer and forget about it. Or even forget about writing. Why do I do it?

…

Huh, good question…

Why do I write?

…

Maybe I should leave it? Yeah, I think I should. I can. I don't have to write. It takes too much time. No one will read it. Ever. If no one likes it, no one reads it, no one…

Oh, OK. I know that I haven't shown it to anyone yet. Except Marinette. OK, let's wait for her opinion. If she tells me it's a crap, I'm leaving it.

But first… I think I'll finish the chapter. Yes. I should finish the chapter and then I'll forget about the story.

I'm a mess…


	2. Day 2

I can't believe I did that! How could I?! How?!

Oh, it's unbearable! I can't stop thinking about it. I promise I'll never ever again let Hawkmoth to talk to me. To take over my mind and my will. To change me into… into… someone I'm not. I'm not a villain. I think I'm a good person. How could I agree to convert into… into _that?_!

I can't forgive myself that I hurt so many people today. _I didn't want it!_ Is there anybody there who would believe me?

Maybe I should talk about with someone? Who could understand me? I have to think about it.


	3. Day 3

Today I talked to Nathaniel. I thought he would be the best person to talk about the villain thing… He'd had the same episode in his life, so I hoped he'd understand.

Surprisingly, he did.

Wait. "Surprisingly?" I hoped for that. But, honestly, I didn't expect that.

So, OK. _Surprisingly_, he understood.

Uhm…

…

OK… Let's start from the beginning.

I thought about Nathaniel, because he'd had the same problem. Wait. I've already written that. What's wrong with me? Why I'm so…? Uhm… OK. Let's start again.

…

Yesterday, I messed up. I met Nathaniel in the park, and he thought that there would be Ladybug not me. Why did he think that she was the person who had written a book about herself? Was he crazy? It was so obvious that the book is a fiction! Didn't he get that?

I know I disappointed him, but because it was me not her. Not because the story was garbage. Now, I can see it – the story is great. And plausible, if Nath believed it was real.

Wait… Have I just called him "Nath"?

It's a bit new for me (or rather _totally_ new for me). He let me call him that way today, when we talked about being akumatised and the problem of forgiving. Actually, he _suggested_ to call him "Nath" – not _let_ me call him that way. If he let me, that would mean that I asked for calling him that. I didn't. That was his initiative. He suggested that. Of course, I called him "Na-Nath". I'm pathetic. It sounded like "Na-na" like he was my grandma. Oh, I wanted to die immediately.

But he just laughed. Not made fun of me. He just laughed. And he patted me on back and told me, that it can be "Na-Nath" if I like. I believe it is Alix's influence. I wonder how it's possible that those two are friends. Two totally different people. But it is said that opposites attract each other. So, maybe it's not so unbelievable?

Uhm, anyway…

I asked Nath how to deal with that overwhelming remorse. How he did deal with it. He told me he hadn't yet. He still couldn't forgive himself that he let Hawkmoth turn him into the villain. Well… It didn't help me much. At first, I thought it meant I'd be punishing myself for the rest of my life. But then Nath told me that creating comics helped him a lot. And some support from friends.

The problem is, I don't have friends. Who will support me?

But I can try with writing. Nath told me that he'd created the superhero version of Evillustrator. And that helped him to imagine that his superpowers could be used for doing good things. Maybe I could do the same with Reversor's superpowers. But how? Suddenly Reversor will change bad people into good ones? Maybe I should describe a meeting of Reversor and Hawkmoth? Oh, I could title the story "The Revenge". Oh, maybe I could invite the other super-villains created by Hawkmoth until now? All of them will ally with Ladybug and Cat Noir to finally defeat Hawkmoth…

Oh, my God. I have to write it. Now!


	4. Day 4

I'm confused. I don't know what Nathaniel is up to. Uhm… Well…

Today I met him before the classes, and he asked me if I would like to work with him on his next comic. I didn't know that he took Ladybug's words to heart. When she had told us to work together, he nodded. But I was sure it was only to ensure her that everything would be OK now between us and I wouldn't be akumatised again. But… Well… His question surprised me this morning.

I'm not sure.

I don't know what to think about it.

I don't feel comfortable when Nathaniel is around. I don't know. I shouldn't… Uhm… I don't know. It's strange… I shouldn't…

…

I don't even know what to write here to describe what I feel… I can't describe it! Can't I?

Oh, OK… I _don't want to_ write about it. I think it's _wrong_. I have to stop thinking about this.


	5. Day 5

I've just realised that yesterday I called Nath by his name "Nathaniel". I think it was because I felt something, I shouldn't feel… I don't know what I was thinking! That calling him by his full name would change anything? Wrong!

Today at school I was more pathetic than usual. Impossible? Yeah, right… That would mean I can do impossible things! I should laugh now, but I'm going to cry rather. What a disaster!

OK, I'll write the whole story here and I can forget about it forever. I've heard that writing down your trauma will let you remove it from your head. Well, I've always thought it's rubbish, but recently I've discovered that there can be a grain of truth in it.

So…

Here's what happened.

This morning when I came to school, I met Nathaniel again. Coincidence? Maybe I thought that at first, but what happened later made me change my opinion.

So, Nathaniel was standing in front of the gate with Alix. They looked like they'd just finished an argument, because when I came closer, Nath greeted me, and he was totally blushed. Of course, I had to stammer something like "Hi-Hi Na-Nath…" which was so embarrassing! But no one laughed.

Then Alix said: "Tell him!", but Nath only shook his head. I was completely confused. And then… Oh my God… Why did I do this? OH, I wanted to die. I still want to die…

"Are you two dating?" just slipped out.

WHY? WHY DID I ASK THEM ABOUT THAT?!

It's not my business who Nathaniel is dating!

At that moment I wished I could vanish into thin air. But – again – no one laughed, which was rather unusual reaction for my goofs. Nath's flush deepened, and Alix only looked at me surprised and then said simply:

"I'm not in his type. Neither he's in mine. But he's my best friend and he really has to tell you something, right Nath?"

"Maybe later…" Nath muttered.

'No, you tell him _now_!" she commanded.

"Are you sure you're not dating?" – this is what I should say at that moment. Such a joke could be very suitable if I was writing a book. But no, I had to stutter something as embarrassing as:

"I ha-have to go."

And I left them. I haven't met Nathaniel for the whole day after that.

What a disaster. I am a disaster. I shouldn't talk to people. Everyone has only problems when I start talking to people…

I have no idea what Nath wanted to tell me. I know I should stay and let him tell me what he wanted to say. But I'm too scared hearing this, whatever it is / was.

Now, I'm sure Nathaniel won't try again.


	6. Day 6

Yet he tried.

Nathaniel.

This morning he asked me again if I wanted to work with him on his next comics. I remember it was something Ladybug had suggested after the… uhm… the Reverser incident… Two days ago, when Nath offered me a collaboration, I didn't treat that seriously. I just thought he followed Ladybug's advice, but without meaning that.

But he asked again.

I must have looked shocked, because Nath immediately withdrew his offer. He was about to leave, so I panicked. And I grabbed his hand to make him stay. He looked at me as shocked as probably I had been a moment ago when he'd asked me to collaborate. And… Was it only my impression, or time stopped for a moment? It was so embarrassing, awkward and somehow odd. But soooo amazing at the same time! I felt chills on my skin. Actually, I feel them now when I'm writing this. Or every time I recall this moment in my memory.

"I-I'd lo-love to work with you, Na-Nath…" I stuttered. A disaster, as always.

"Great!" he smiled.

Nath has a beautiful smile. He smiles too rarely. I wish he smiled more often.

I also smiled at him. Probably it didn't look like a smile. I think my face forgot about all the muscles responsible for smiling. Usually I smile with my eyes. Maybe it will change. Maybe if Nath starts smiling more often, I'll learn how to smile not only with my eyes. I hope.

…

I've just realised that I used a word "smile" ten times in a row. What a writer I am?! It's all Nath's fault. And his smile… (oops… eleventh…)


	7. Day 7

Today was awesome!

We met after classes to work together on Nathaniel's comics. I brought some notes with my stories and ideas. It's not that I expected Nath would read them during the meeting, or that I needed them because I didn't remember what the ideas were. I just wanted to have something to hold in my hands in case they were shaking. I was so nervous!

But Nath just looked at my hands and said:

"Oh, I can see you have plenty of ideas already!"

"Uhm… It's garbage…" I muttered.

"Probably I'd believe you…" he started, and my heart sank "…if I didn't read one of them."

And he smiled. Again. I can't stand his smile. It makes me do something I shouldn't, so I have to keep controlling myself instead of reacting more naturally. I'm sure I shouldn't show Nath what his smiles do to me!

"Are-are you going to read them?" I asked.

"If you want to lend me those, I can do it at home." Nath answered, and I felt kind of reserve in his tone. I immediately started thinking about the reasons. Did I offend him by no reaction on his smile? Oh, I wanted to die! I can't react quickly in such situations! I need time to check different scenarios! What if I smiled back? What if I took his hand, which I really wanted to do? What if he responded with a disgust? What if he was delighted?! Oh my God… I'm a mess.

At that moment I panicked. Again, as yesterday. So…

"I _really_ want you… to read them."

WHY DID I HESITATE in this question?! It sounded like… Oh, it was worse and worse! He could understand that totally in a wrong way! And obviously he did, because he blushed terribly (not as terribly as I was at that moment). But instead of running away or making fun of me, he just nodded and reached for my notes.

"Can I?"

"Su-sure…" I stammered and I handed all the papers to him.

I was very careful to _not touch_ his hand. I was too afraid of my reaction. And when I gave him my notes, I felt a bit unprotected like the papers were my shield…

"So, maybe you can just tell me shortly your stories? And we'll pick one to draw it." Nath suggested, glancing quickly at the notes and then put them away. He turned his eyes at mine.

"Uhm… O-OK…"

Then I started with my latest idea of "The Revenge" story. I don't know how long I was talking, but probably it was quite a long time. Nath was listening and he looked as if he really liked the plot. There were sparkles in his blue eyes that only encouraged me to tell him more.

"You know that your eyes light up when you describe the plot?" Nath asked suddenly, and I stopped talking immediately. I was looking at him in astonishment, because I was embarrassed and moved at the same time. He told me a compliment! I felt millions of butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't stop that feeling. I only hoped that I didn't show, how much those words meant to me. He probably would freak out and never say even a word to me again!

"Re-really?" – that was only to say something.

"As if you were a completely different person."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Nath smiled (again!) "I like that."

And that's all. Nothing more. But… nothing less… I mean… Uhm… I think Nath is right. I am like two people. One is Marc Anciel that stutters, blushes, can't smile. The other is Marc the Author – someone with passion, imagination and a lot of words to say, but in writing.

And I'm going to let Nath know the inner me better.

We have time.


End file.
